Here's what to do to be me, though I urge you to reconsider. You'll need ---

Copies of the following books, since most of my jokes are pinched from one of these:

Other things that will help ---

* Not being a native to the Middle West, I find the weather here very interesting. There are five and a half months of winter, with temperatures fluctuating wildly between −50 and 35°F (including wind chill); followed by two weeks of pleasant spring; followed by five and a half months of miserable summer, with temperatures anywhere from 80 to 1,000°F (including something called heat index); followed by two weeks of pleasant autumn. Common Illinois joke: "Spring was on a Thursday this year."

Personal record: I once walked the two miles to work when the temperature --- taking into account wind chill --- was −58°F. I can't in good conscience recommend it. But then again, it's always 360° out, if you look at it the right way.

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